


Chain of [M]isery

by hakumei_hogosha



Series: Drabble Compilation [2]
Category: Aldnoah.Zero (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV First Person, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-02
Updated: 2017-04-02
Packaged: 2018-10-14 02:21:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10526850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hakumei_hogosha/pseuds/hakumei_hogosha
Summary: Regardless of when or where, I’ll always reflect and hope you are well. No matter how long, I’ll abide by your wish even if doing so may bring me nothing but pain from a dream we once shared of things that will never come to pass.Drabble M





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TururaJ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TururaJ/gifts).



Moving me from the prison made no difference.

If this was some rouse or some attempt for a reaction Kaizuka Inaho, there is none to be had, none to be made. If you wanted such, you were better off trying on the moon. The person you seek, the one that satisfied your nasty kink for challenge is not me.

Or perhaps this is who I truly am.

Empty.

Clueless.

Useless.

Troublesome.

Hindrance.

Scum.

Dog.

Haha… was human ever something I was described as?

***

I hate myself.

I hate the reason why I remain.

I hate the sound of the bellowing thunder outside and the rain that coincide.

The constant thud and bombardment on the glass constantly reminds me.

I’m still alive.

I’m on Earth.

I’m not there.

I’m not in outer space.

And even in the darkness with only lightning as my beacon, I still find myself unable to escape the crimson eye of this storm.

Constantly, I resolutely remember and recollect how much I loathe myself.

Everything I had done was wrong.

Everything I had wanted to do he had done better.

_“Hate. Despise me if you will, just live.”_

“ _You won’t find it but you can try.”_

Kaizuka Inaho’s words reverberated, echoed in my conscience. If the reiterated voice had been mocking much like Count Cruhteo or Count Maryclian, I could bear it.

But…

There is no mockery.

There is only the cold, rational tone in Inaho’s manner of speaking. It irked me. It rubbed me in ways I did not like. It riled me in a senseless and hopeless rage or a state of helplessness…

I can’t tell anymore. The day blends. The seasons I neither care to distinguish nor note.

***

The rain has yet to stop.

Did it not snow recently?

“ _We are currently in the rainy season.”_ Inaho informed as if he could read my mind.

He might as well be able to.

There’s nothing left for me to hide. There is no information I have to share of Vers the United Federation of Earth would want.

_“I want to understand you.”_

There is nothing to understand. How stubborn can you be to not realize that?

I simply was and am an idealistic fool, a fool wanting to be of use to someone who clearly did not need my help.. More accurately, my help only deterred her.

***

Of course… You’re that stubborn.

Again I’m the fool to think you would give up.

“ _Giving into despair is a foolish choice.”_

I am a fool. Nothing more. Nothing less.

***

My stamina has greatly suffered since we had moved to this new location.

No… I simply haven’t moved.

The door out of my bedroom was never locked. There was no lock to be had. I had no privacy. I never did to start with but to think Kaizuka wouldn’t bother to lock me up…

“ _Why lock a bird that does not seek to take flight?”_

I’m not a bird. I’m a bat. Senselessly lost and blinded in the light of day.

Kaizuka had forced me out of my room. He had even gone so far to drag me down the staircase and onto a wheelchair to wheel me away.

Were we moving again? Has the execution order finally gotten through? Have I not lived long enough to satisfy Hime’s wish?

***

Ugh…

Blinded indeed…

Sunlight rained and poured through the glass ceiling overhead. I had wondered why there was hammering and constant battering going on behind Kaizuka’s house. This was why.

He had arranged for a garden house…? No…

Looking around there were bookshelves upon shelves, upstairs and where I was covering the walls. They effectively served two purposes -- both as a curtain and storage for countless books.

“ _I noticed the philosophy books I had given you two years ago have become rather worn on the binding. Considering my observation of your habits this past year, clearly you need more mental stimulation.”_

Not like I had anything better to do back in the prison…

Now… it doesn’t matter.

You wasted your time with this.

…

If I can barely get myself to walk down the stairs, how was I supposed to reach the second floor?

_"Consider it imposed physical exercise.”_

…

Did I really survive near death experiences one after another… just to survive years… of this?

***

Flowers. Birds. Deserts. Jungles. Mountains…

All books about the bounties of Earth… in various languages… Dictionaries to help decipher them throughout this…

The variety in the books didn’t end there.

It would take an entire lifetime to really finish all this…

Was this your objective?

Why?

… I don’t understand.

Why go to such lengths? Why spend…

I dare not continue this train of thought.

***

It hurts.

It hurts a lot.

It’s been years. It shouldn’t hurt anymore.

They may physically remain but there is no meaning for this pain.

I had gotten careless reading lazily on the floor underneath the glass ceiling. Winter is coming and the temperatures at night are dropping.

I no longer have the tolerance for the cold. I’ve lost the body mass I once had to maintain my warmth.

So cold.

So excruciatingly painful.

…

It’s all your fault.

_“It’s all your fault!”_

_“You are my enemy!”_

My voice was becoming hoarse. My eyes had gone red and blind.

Someone please just end this.

Have I not done enough?

Have I not suffered?

If you will not give me death, what more can I do to repent? Atone? What can I do for the men I have sacrificed, deceived and killed?

***

I was yelling… I know that much… screaming what I don’t remember.

Slowly I rose my hands. I half expected cuffs or some means of restraint; there were none. I returned them to my side. Something else caught my attention; there was only this weight by my side and a burden weighing heavily on my chest.

Somehow… No I knew how I was brought back to my bedroom and in bed. I knew much to my dismay and displeasure why my body simply felt tired and not drained.

Kaizuka Inaho.

It was clear he had stayed at my bedside for however long it’s been. He had made certain to be as comfortable as he could for where he was considering the blankets he had wrapped around his figure. His arms remained crossed and his eye closed; he was still asleep.

How long? I cannot say…

Turning my head to the nearby nightstand, the vague aroma of mushroom soup met my nose. It had been mostly eaten. The nostalgic taste remained in my mouth; Kaizuka did not solely eat that… if any at all…

He must have…

I returned my gaze to the ceiling and covered my eyes with hands.

Why…

Why…

Why…

You are my enemy…

You are the knight that did not fail.

You… you helped her where I could not.

You…

You have everything.

So why…

Why do you dawdle here?

If it’s to fulfill her wish, it’s been more than enough.

Please… I know… I know how much you wish not to be here. I can see it. I knew how much I wanted to be by her side so…

So go.

Just leave.

***

“ _I see you’re awake.”_

I have nothing more to say to you.

Leave.

“ _How are you feeling?”_

There’s no need to continue this charade. Make a lie.

“ _Considering your temperament, you must be feeling better than earlier.”_

That’s right… you can’t. Unlike me you can… you can go about everything without such tricks.

_"Would you like something to eat? Or drink? Warm milk would be appropriate for this time of night.”_

I remained silent and passive. It was bright outside the window. The full moon was out and the rain had long died.

He had already made his move, his assumption and left for the door. I would prove him wrong this once.

Just as he reached for the doorknob, I called out to him and as expected, he paused.

_“Kaizuka.”_

_“...”_

He looked over his shoulder and waited; his hand remained on the door knob. The lone crimson eye stared at me from the darkness of the room.

_“You once said…”_

_“...”_

_“I should just live, right? Even if I may need to hate and despise you.”_

_“Yes.”_

_“If I were to say I will live under one condition, would you comply even if I have no grounds to do so?”_

_“You do.”_

Kaizuka removed his grasp on the door knob and faced me entirely. His gaze never left mine.

_“..?”_

_“You have your rights as a human being, regardless of the crimes you have committed.”_

In other words…

You are saying I am human.

My enemy…

Not my superiors.

Not my allies.

Not her.

Kaizuka Inaho…

I clenched my teeth. I grasped my amulet as I sat up.

Of course fate would work this way.

_“So what is your one condition?”_

The one person to see me… the one that could truly see me… had to be you…. And because it is you, I…

_“Leave. Return to your old life. Live just how you had before.”_

I must say goodbye. This is my atonement, my way of redemption.

And as expected, my words meant nothing more than another proposition, another course of action for you. There was no heart to move or perhaps that sigh was one of relief.

He said no more and the door knob turned, leaving only a clink behind when he closed the door.

***

Summer became fall. The leaves had become yellow, then orange and finally brown, curling up and drying before finally falling to the ground.

Leaving the glass library, I gently let one fall into my open palm only for it to resume its course inevitably to the floor.

Kaizuka had left the following morning that day months ago. He had not returned. He… respected my wishes.

And true to my word, I remain.

I remain, watching the sun rise and set as the days become nights and weeks become months only for them to eventually accumulate into years.

However such evolution, such scale of time seemed slow to move. Only the dropping temperatures seem to show any increasing pace. A long and really cold winter was upon the horizon.

It was a good thing Kaizuka Inaho no longer was here. The house would surely be an oven if he had stayed.

***

Winter had yet officially began according to the calendar. Outside seemed to careless, much like most things in life did. The sky had grown eerily dark and the wildlife has long become quiet. Uncomfortably silent.

...

The personnel in charge of food and other basic necessities has yet to come by. A storm is in the area and it is about to get worse. The alarms had only recently stopped sounding in the distance.

…

The power is out. I think… it has been at least two days since it began. The snow has started to pile past the first floor windows. I should have sought for a shovel and at least tried to make the front door still accessible.

…

Did it matter? Wouldn’t it be better if I was dead?

_“No. Stay with me.”_

I grimaced feeling the residual pain on my back. They were nothing but a figment of my imagination, I tried to tell myself.

My legs buckled underneath me and I could barely prevent myself from bringing down the mug I had retrieved, smashing it as I unwillingly sat on the kitchen floor.

It was so quiet.

My growing sobs seemed so much louder than before.

I covered my ears. I bit my lip hard. I grit my teeth. Anything to smother the sound.

I…

 _He_ has my word. I… I can’t give up here.

I struggled back to my feet, grasping at the counter top.

_“Aaaahh!..”_

I slipped. Thunder boomed overhead and for my poor confused mind, I thought I was getting electrocuted again.

Another try ended in failure. Even worse than before, I laid on the floor.

Not the worst but baffling. Somehow against all odds the damn orange mug I had retrieved was with me now on the floor…  unbroken.

Stupid orange.

It’s all your fault.

The sound of burning wood filled my ears and I brusquely sat up, much against my body’s dislike. The fireplace was dark. There was no fire… was I hearing things?

No…

It happened before…

My eyes watered as I slowly ran my fingers through my sides, hugging them and remembering a night that felt mythical and unreal. It was anything but that. It was no dream. It was no hallucination.

When the rain had not ceased for what seemed like weeks on end and the thunder was unrelenting, back then… like now, the scars furiously burned on my back… but the pain was dulled.

Tracing my hand over the bottom of my back, much like _he_ did back then the fragile warmth began to overwrite. Arms and helping hands had taken me to the couch, where I sank into where he use to sit. Ridiculous amounts of pillows and blankets nested there… It was hot… It was terribly hot. And it was infuriating how comfortable the place was.

I tried to escape but my arms gave way and he pushed me back into place.

_“Stay.”_

I could do nothing. I could only take. That’s all I could do…

That's all I ever did…

I took her dream and tarnished it.

I took many lives and doomed many to deaths undeserved.

I took this remaining life she saved and live wastefully, uselessly… waiting until the end.

I took the warm milk he offered then.

I received the words of comfort he poorly delivered and the embrace that he shouldn’t be giving me.

Presently I chuckled sardonically and crawled, desperately. I worked my way to the fridge and just as fate would have it, the last supply I had was milk and miraculously it had not gone bad.

It was cold considering where it had been but…

As my eyes water and I stare at the newly filled orange mug, it was far from it. The memory associated was warm, so painfully heartwarming the pain of the scars dulled and that simple forgotten wish, dream seemed fulfilled.

The coldness so close to my soul melted away. The loneliness I had bore as far as I could remember was no more.

Even if only for one moment.

 _Kaizuka_ wasn’t here. He shouldn’t be here. Thank god he wasn’t here.

Why couldn’t he be here?

No. I’ve taken far too much already for what little, if any I deserve.

Thank God he is not here.

May he have the happiness he rightfully deserve.

May I finally receive judgment.

***

I should have known better.

It has always been a rouse. All along… I never really…

At the start of winter, Kaizuka Inaho had returned and stood at the doorstep. Several trunks and a suitcase were by his side. He was definitely not simply checking in or visiting. He was really...

“ _If I had obliged by such circumstances, it would have been more detrimental to your mental state.”_

“ _I’m alive am I not?”_

_“No.”_

“ _I am a dead man officially so I don’t see--”_

I trembled. It was awkward. I should break free.

But I couldn’t. I knew this warmth. I knew it in all its stupidity.

Kaizuka’s trembling arms wrapped around me and I couldn’t help but let the struggling warmth wash over me.

That day… when all seemed inevitably pointless and meaningless. When I was at my wit’s end as nothing seemed to matter and I was at a loss of what to do.

As I wept in pain of the scars from an interrogation long past for a princess that need not saving… when the bitterness and cold grasp of death’s embrace and reality had closed in…

The same gesture had occurred.

“ _I obliged to your condition as best as I could but in truth, I had been during the three years since the war concluded. Can we not agree on this one point?”_

_“What point?”_

Kaizuka loosened his hug. His remaining red eye peered into me and with one finger, he wiped a tear that was at the cusp of falling from my left eye.

_“We have done all we could for her. All we can do now is give her peace of mind. Now Slaine… are you alive?”_

I motioned to speak. I had answered this question before. How many more times would I have to repeat until this stupid orange can--

“ _No._ ”

Wait. I didn’t mean that--

I couldn’t take back my reply. I gasped at the sight as Kaizuka smiled and caressed my left cheek.

“ _Then I guess we still have a long way to go Bat. At least time is on our side.”_

_“T-t-time for what?”_

Kaizuka’s smile disturbingly stayed on his face and he approached my left ear, whispering, “ _Until I change your mind.”_

He was definitely not planning to leave this time…

 

…

 

… but I can’t say I would want it any other way.

  
**_-Fin_ **


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